if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Nicole vs. Life
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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