How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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