The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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