Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He did a backflip because drugs
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
