Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
