He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just forgot I was standing up.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Randomize
