Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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