Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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