I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
