Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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