Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
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I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
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Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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