I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
i now understand why vodka
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
