So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
