i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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