; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
