Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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