it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
where am i from again
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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