my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
