You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You ruined the universe
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
