dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I intend to get homeless drunk
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
