I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
