You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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