So drunk its hurt
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
