a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
