I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
