I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
