seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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