my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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