highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
