Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
