he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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