Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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