I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
