I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
