im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
