so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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