So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Floor bacon is actually really good
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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