Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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