guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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