Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
