you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
we're so committed to being not committed
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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