Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
