someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
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He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
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I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
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