Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
