I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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