she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
