I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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