just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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