Sponge bath it is.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Randomize
