i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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