I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
