Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Randomize
