It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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