Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
