Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
