While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
