I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
