I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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