i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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