I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
