Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
