I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
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